“You have diabetes and you can’t eat cupcakes.”

“Well, now, Gandhi, since you don’t grasp the fact that I think you’re incompetent, ladies and gentlemen, pay attention please: presenting the world’s longest “Shoosh”. Mmh…Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m goin’ to go ahead and…stop. I’m not committing the way I normally do. When you go away I’ll regroup, maybe see you later.”

“It really is just super that you’re here with us as a reminder that surgeons really are simply ignorant scalpel jocks. Hell, after surgery…if there’s the slightest medical issue you just turf the patient right down to us, the real doctors, so we can pick up your slack. You cut…and run, if you will. That’s […]

“Good morning, “reasons why I drink”, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our group.”

“Any other day I’d say no, but today I’m gonna go ahead and just say no.”

“Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately; you, you gotta draw your own line. This is half an Ibuprofen, it’s just the perfect dose for your pea-size brain, take it after I leave, you’ll save yourself the embarassment.”

“Ok, in here we have Mrs. Frank, who is in renal-failure, a–and over here we have Dr. TurtleHead, who is suffering from a severe case of…”the Sulkys”. Symptoms include bad posture, moppy face and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities. Is it possible I’ve misdiagnosed this malady? (…) There it is. That a […]

“Sorry about that, Bobo,but I’m gonna go and tell the truth whenever i damn will, please. For instance, your tie. It’s hideous, in fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of…your man-girdle.”

“Noobie’s test result came back. He’s got Vasovagal Syncope. (…)If he’s vigorously Valsalva he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla…he’d pass out when he pooes!”

“Jordan…the boy already lipsyncs into your tampons, must we put a final nail in this tiny gay coffin?”